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*Make sure you’re always playing the song, its not the same if you don’t*

Wassup y’all. It’s been a long time. I’ve been journaling more this year, hence my absence. I think I’m just in a situation where I need to write out my feelings but I also need people to see it so I know I’m not alone lol. That’s probably why I started this shit in the first place…to feel like I’m not alone in this. Anyways, let’s get into this mess.

You ever feel guilty that you cant take on more even though your plate is full? I’m in a situation where I’m finishing up my dual degree program (cant remember if I talked about it on here but basically I’m getting a bachelor’s and master’s degree in 5 years), but my mom is getting sicker. I know that mentally I can’t handle finishing up grad school and trying to handle all of her medical stuff. The thing is that this summer, I’ve been doing some preliminary work (mostly reading and research), and I feel guilty that I’m not doing more to help my mom’s situation. That shit is literally eating me up inside. And I know that I’m doing the best that I can, and I can’t blame myself for not helping more because I have a lot on my plate mentally with school butttt I feel like I’m putting her on the back burner. Another factor is that I’m basically still a kid (at 22 lol) and I have no idea how to even handle that stuff.

I think 2020 has definitely taught me to put myself first more (obvs, thats why I picked the song) but I didn’t know that it was going to hurt this much. I feel like I’m letting my mother down in a way because I can’t mentally handle everything. And I know if she was in her right mind, she would tell me to focus on school but I cant help but feel like I’m giving up on her. If this is God’s way of teaching me to put myself first, I definitely don’t like it. I feel like I’m sitting by and watching my mom die. I hate this feeling. I know I have to continue with my life but I feel selfish. As the song says, I’m new to putting me first…but me first DEFINITELY hurts.

 

-AH