Insecurities

Wow…2020 is in like 2 1/2 days. Time really flies when you’re caught up in yourself and life.  I think I wanna do a reflection on 2019 as it’s about to end.

January: This was definitely a renewal month for me. I started doing youtube consistently and started doing everything I wanted to work at. (subscribe in the way on youtube if you care!)

February: This was a month of a creative spark. I was working hard in my classes and was letting my creative energy flow freely. Also got to travel a little bit.

March: Definitely a rise and grind time this year where I worked on the bulk of my song (The Ride by ANARI) and I became more confident in my looks and abilities.

April: One of the FUN months in the year. I traveled to Georgia for a conference, saw a concert or two, recorded a cover for another class, etc. On the flip, I abandoned youtube *insert upside down smiley here*

May: This is where the stress comes in lol. Finals are NO JOKE especially in Landscape Architecture. This month was full of working and cleaning. But it did bring in a new summer job.

June-August: Constant schedule of sleep, go to work, eat, go home, work out, eat, sleep. This period is when I lost my first person (my cousin) in my family.

September: A reset and chill month for sure. Also my birthday month where I turned 22. Saw a lot of plants and a concert. But…this is also when my uncle got really sick with cancer.

October: This was a hard month emotionally. My uncle passed and I was so lost (sometimes I still am tbh). After, I found out that my cousin got killed around the same time. Thank God I had friends to cheer me up and bring me out of it sometimes.

November: One of the most exciting and busiest months because I got to go to San Diego for the first time! I also spent the weekend after in NYC and saw a concert. Was filled with a lot of friends, family, and good times. Also won a state-wide award for a school project I did with my close friend.

December: This was also kind of a chill month. I got really close with the people in my class in Landscape Architecture. But of course it was stressful towards the end because of finals.

Looking back at all things that happened this year, I realize that I really got lost in all the tragedy that happened to me towards the end. Most of the time I find myself focusing on only the negative things and breezing past the positive thing in my life. Doing this post has made me very grateful for the good things that I’ve received.

Most of my insecurities that I’ve accumulated over the years has been blinding me from seeing my true potential (hence the song choice lol). Although this song is talking about another person, I replace it with anxiety. In 2020, I want to be able to let go of my fears and insecurities so I can grow into my true self. This definitely entails some hard work: going to therapy, writing more (in this blog and writing songs), expressing myself emotionally, letting go of past hurt due to myself and others, etc. I think I’m finally ready for it. I’m ready to stop feeling sorry for myself, or feeling not good enough, or even getting in my own way. Frankly, I’m tired of it.  2020 is my year of growth, hard work, and success. I’m claiming it right now. And anxiety is not getting in my way. Please don’t let it get in yours.

 

-AH