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kendrick_lamar_-_to_pimp_a_butterfly

I feel like I took like a million steps back in this whole thing. I had a bad dream a couple days ago and I think it kinda triggered me somehow. In the dream, I was young (maybe like 11 or 12), and basically my mom ended up beating me senseless and throwing things at me and I couldn’t do anything. After I woke up from the dream, it was hard for me to determine whether it was a dream or a memory (that’s how real it seemed). Ever since then, I’ve been feeling bad, like depression bad. My chest has been extra heavy, I can’t really sleep, etc. At first I thought it was because I haven’t been writing, but even as I’m writing this, I’m crying with a heavy chest. I’ve been trying to hide it this from everyone in my life, just pretending like I’m just tired. Idk man, I didn’t think I’d end up back here. It seems like just when things were starting to look up, it just gets ruined somehow. I’ve been having this conflict in my head about my mom. I feel like I can’t even be around her without my anger or anxiety flaring up. But if I just ignore her and pretend like she doesn’t exist, then I feel guilty because I would be a bad daughter. It would make me a bad daughter because she’s fighting this disease (dementia) and I’m not supporting her. And I know I’m at school so I can’t really see her but this guilt is just eating away at me right now. I have to force myself to get out of bed. I don’t know how to deal with this at all. I’m fighting against my conscience,  between what’s right for me and what’s morally right. Everyone I talk to about it tells me that I should just forgive her and support her. But I just can’t do it because she literally didn’t want me to be myself when she was healthy. I still can’t even be myself with her now because if I say one thing wrong, she gets mad, cries, tells my aunt I’m a shitty person (she doesn’t literally say that but yeah), asks why don’t I love her, etc. I don’t know, at this point I’m starting to believe I’m a shitty person. It doesn’t help that I’m starting to get anxiety about this depression I’m falling into. This isn’t my lowest low but this is a low that I definitely won’t enjoy. I’m gonna try to push through and focus on school…that’s all I can really do at this point. Send prayers my way please, I’ll need them.

-AH

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Author: soundtrackofmyanxiety

adriana | 20 | MD & NJ | Just a girl with anxiety trying to find a way to her dreams

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