YAH.

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Today is going to be one of the biggest days in my life…I get to see Kendrick Lamar in concert. I’m so excited that my body woke me up at 3 am and I haven’t been back to sleep since. I figured that I might as well do something useful while I’m up, that meant writing for me. It’s funny because I absolutely despise writing, but with this blog, I find myself loving the fact that I can type my feelings publicly and no one sees it lol. Anywho, since I’m seeing King Kendrick today, it’s only fitting that I listen to his music and write about it. Every time I scroll through DAMN. (one of the best albums of this year), YAH. always catches my attention because of the first line. “I got so many theories and suspicions” hits me to the core because I relate to it so hard. I repeatedly find myself wondering about something that is beyond me. A little amount about myself but the majority about the world and things I can’t control. Are there really aliens (I mean come on, we can’t be the only species in space)? Why are innocent black people constantly getting killed without justice (My answer is that the system was never built for us and we intimidate white people)? My mom says that even as a young child I asked questions constantly, some questions she couldn’t even answer herself. She eventually got me “The Book of Everything” to shut me up lmao. But out of all the conversations I’ve had with different people, I can never find the true answers (or at least answers I feel are truly right) to my questions. I try to do research but it seems like the internet is full of too many biased opinions since the technology age came around. This is what causes my anxiety to go into overdrive. I start questioning everything and then I go down this slippery slope of things that could happen and then start to panic. Sometimes I wish that I was a normal person that could just go with the flow. I used to think I was that person but I don’t know anymore. I feel as though I’m discovering too many flaws about myself and not enough strengths. This leads me to these thoughts: “I’m not good enough”, “I hate myself”, or “Why do I even exist?”. But this is just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH

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Author: soundtrackofmyanxiety

adriana | 20 | MD & NJ | Just a girl with anxiety trying to find a way to her dreams

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