Love Galore

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So I’m sitting here listening to Love Galore by SZA and Travis Scott (Ctrl is the best shit EVER), and it’s really got me wondering…what really is love? I mean, I know you can love in so many ways. For example, there’s unconditional love, companionship love, etc. But what happens when that love that you thought was mutual fades away? That’s one of my biggest fears when it comes to relationships. I’m afraid if I get too attached, the person I’m with will somehow lose interest…and then I’ll be alone. I feel as though I’m afraid to love in general because everyone in my life has always left me. I guess that means I have abandonment issues somewhere. It could stem from my relationship with my father. When I was younger, I loved him so much but he was never around (later found out that was due to my mother but that’s a story for another day). And then a couple years later I found out that he had passed away due to a heart attack.  In a way, I thought that if I loved harder, he would stay around or want to be with me more. But, as soon as I realized that he wasn’t coming around, I just stopped caring (or at least pretended to). Then when he died, I felt really numb. Zero feelings on the outside. But deep down, I was hurt because I never had the opportunity to have that father daughter relationship. So, I think that that has bled into my relationship(s). I don’t even know how to get through this, where would I even begin? I get so paranoid about it sometimes that my anxiety drives me down this never ending spiral of negative outcomes. Plus, people change everyday and one of those changes could lead to them leaving me or us growing apart. Reassurance sometimes helps me but those aren’t necessary guarantees. This person could say “I love you” and then fall out of love with you and say “I just don’t love you anymore”. Maybe I should just love blindly and if it doesn’t work out, just trust that God has a better plan for me. But this is just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH

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Author: soundtrackofmyanxiety

adriana | 20 | MD & NJ | Just a girl with anxiety trying to find a way to her dreams

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