Garden Shed

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First off, yes I did illegally download Scum Fuck Flower Boy because I couldn’t wait until the 21st. I had to because I’m a huge fan of Tyler the Creator, not only of his artistry but him as a person as well. So, as I listened to this album and marinated on it, track 7 instantly caught my attention. In Garden Shed (ft. Estelle), Tyler talks about him being in the ‘garden shed’ and realizing that being gay wasn’t just a phase. He says in the song that he’s finally accepting it and feels like he doesn’t have to pretend anymore. This reminds me of my life in a way. As a child until about junior/senior year of high school, my mother controlled my life. I mean, don’t get me wrong, my childhood was still fun and everything, but I was very sheltered. She always used the excuse of my heart condition (I have a heart defect, VSD if you’re interested) for her reasoning of being overprotective. But later, as I got closer to going to college, I realized that through all those years, I wasn’t myself. She controlled the way I dressed, what my hair looked like, who I talked to, where I went, what I did, etc. She never really allowed me to be my own person…meaning I was her clone. Now that I’m in college, I found that I don’t really know who I am anymore. I know that I’m OBSESSED with music, I love art, and crystals and incense are my best friends but who am I really? I suppose that college is the time for me to discover myself but I don’t know how to go about it. It’s also affecting my career choices too because for a long time I was stuck in a major (Medical Technology) that my mom wanted me to do. I have now switched my major to Landscape Architecture (the closing thing to Architecture at Rutgers), but I’m even on the fence about that too. My first love and passion is music, singing and creating are where I feel the most like myself. I just have this voice in the back of my mind telling me that I’m not good at anything, especially music. I have an argument constantly going on in my head between my mom’s opinion (music isn’t a real career) and my brain (the only thing I care about is music). I naturally feel like these problems lead back to her, if she had just accepted my ‘talents’ and supported them, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation. Right now I feel like I’m just floating through life and going through the motions. How do I step out of this shadow behind my mother? How can I learn who I am and stop pretending like I know myself? The logical solution would be to channel all my energy into creating and singing, it’s just that I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to find my sound, I don’t know who I want to be, I don’t know what makes me different…but this is just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH

 

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Author: soundtrackofmyanxiety

adriana | 20 | MD & NJ | Just a girl with anxiety trying to find a way to her dreams

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