Waste

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Whenever I listen to this song (I love love love Brockhampton, check them out, they’re hella slept on and hella talented), I think about my past friendships. I feel like breaking up with friends is somewhat worse than a breakup with your significant other. A friend is supposed to be there for you, support you in everything you do, and just be someone you can lean on. But what happens when you find out you befriended the wrong person? This is where my problem lies. You think you know this person, and yeah they have their issues but you continue to trust and love them because they’re your friend, or so you think. Then, they turn on you in the most unexpected way possible. You feel so hurt and angry at them and at yourself (10x as much if you’re an introvert) because you let them under your skin and they reiterated that everyone in this world is bad. How do you forgive and forget this person who meant so much to you? I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m over my ex-friends because I’m not. I want to forget about everything they’ve done to me but I can’t seem to let it go. It’s like those angry feelings just linger deep down and they never go away. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to forgive them for hurting me. I mean, I’ll always have love for them and wish them nothing but the best, but I just can’t  seem to let go of those grudges. I want to be able to just get over it and glow up on them all and make them feel bad about doing me wrong. In a way, this blog is meant to help me glow up and grow to be a stronger person. And I feel like I’ve become more stable and more myself since i started it. But deep down, I also worry about what people think of me. I come off with this don’t give a fuck attitude but I can’t stand when someone I care about doesn’t like me. I’m always questioning and apologizing: “I’m nice enough right? Then why don’t they like me?” “I never did anything wrong…What?” “I’m so so so sorry, just please be cool with me again”. But this just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH

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Hollywood Dreams

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This post is gonna be a lil different. After that Kendrick concert, I really started thinking about what I want for myself in the future. Miguel fit the whole theme perfectly with this song so I had to use it (wildheart is so underrated omg). Kendrick’s concert was literally the best thing I’ve seen in my life. Like I can’t even find words to describe the whole show…it was that good. But that same night, I realized that I think I might be made for concerts and tours. The energy between an artist and the fans in the crowd is so electric and real, I’ve never felt anything else like it. It was so infectious that I don’t really remember anything from his set. Now that I think about it, I blackout at every concert I go to. I don’t know how this happens, but if the energy was that strong with me in the crowd, imagine how powerful the energy would be if I was on stage. I didn’t think that I could really do it because I get so nervous but I feel like nervousness allows me to tap into some hidden energy in me and I become so free and alive. I know I sound crazy as fuck but I don’t know how else to explain what I felt that night. I wish I knew what causes that energy, it’s so interesting to me that live music can do that. Maybe it’s the connection between the artist and their fans, like the artist loves the fans because they support them and love them and the fans are obsessed with the artist because of their talents. Then that would mean the energy is mostly love and adoration (insert thinking emoji here lol)…look I don’t know what it is, I just know I want that connection. I want to be able to create and put it out in the world and receive love and feel this special connection to people I don’t even know. I want to experience this universal connection that music creates from the artist standpoint. Maybe that’ll help me find who I am. But as usual, that voice in the back of my head is always there to taunt me. “Why would anyone wanna listen to you?”, “Your voice isn’t even that good”, “You can’t even sing at an open mic, what makes you think you can sing in front of that many people”. But this is just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH

 

YAH.

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Today is going to be one of the biggest days in my life…I get to see Kendrick Lamar in concert. I’m so excited that my body woke me up at 3 am and I haven’t been back to sleep since. I figured that I might as well do something useful while I’m up, that meant writing for me. It’s funny because I absolutely despise writing, but with this blog, I find myself loving the fact that I can type my feelings publicly and no one sees it lol. Anywho, since I’m seeing King Kendrick today, it’s only fitting that I listen to his music and write about it. Every time I scroll through DAMN. (one of the best albums of this year), YAH. always catches my attention because of the first line. “I got so many theories and suspicions” hits me to the core because I relate to it so hard. I repeatedly find myself wondering about something that is beyond me. A little amount about myself but the majority about the world and things I can’t control. Are there really aliens (I mean come on, we can’t be the only species in space)? Why are innocent black people constantly getting killed without justice (My answer is that the system was never built for us and we intimidate white people)? My mom says that even as a young child I asked questions constantly, some questions she couldn’t even answer herself. She eventually got me “The Book of Everything” to shut me up lmao. But out of all the conversations I’ve had with different people, I can never find the true answers (or at least answers I feel are truly right) to my questions. I try to do research but it seems like the internet is full of too many biased opinions since the technology age came around. This is what causes my anxiety to go into overdrive. I start questioning everything and then I go down this slippery slope of things that could happen and then start to panic. Sometimes I wish that I was a normal person that could just go with the flow. I used to think I was that person but I don’t know anymore. I feel as though I’m discovering too many flaws about myself and not enough strengths. This leads me to these thoughts: “I’m not good enough”, “I hate myself”, or “Why do I even exist?”. But this is just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH

Lens

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For this one, I’m just gonna vent about Frank Ocean and how great he is lol. But no seriously, he’s a big part of why I’m obsessed with music. Music was just ‘eh’ for me before Channel Orange dropped. I listened to top 40 and throwbacks only. That’s what happens when you listen to the radio plus whatever your aunt listens to. I will say that my aunt did help expand my ears to different genres like rock, alternative, classical, and even a little bit of country (I can’t stand country now though lmao). But when Channel Orange dropped, it literally changed my life forever. I had heard Thinkin’ Bout You before I heard the album and that’s what got my foot in the door. I just didn’t expect it to throw me through the door and into the next room. I was like Jazz when Uncle Phil threw him out of their house in Bel-Air (RIP Uncle Phil). Now that I think about it, my aunt had given me her copy of Channel Orange (she had this guy who burned cds for her). I guess I have her to thank for giving me that…THANKS AUNT FRIEDA! As I was saying, Channel Orange helped me learn that music wasn’t just about radio and what was popular. It made me actually listen to a song and realize that it’s actual art. The most important thing it did for me was directed me to what I believe is my gift. Channel Orange (Pilot Jones if we’re being specific) helped me to explore the background, the production in particular. I realized that I have a niche for separating vocals from the instrumental and dissecting the background piece by piece. In Pilot Jones, I discovered something different on each and every listen. The beauty of it was that after I dissected each piece, I was able to put everything back together and almost feel colors and emotions. I don’t think I’m synaesthetic but it was like I could see images and some colors when listening. After that moment, I had to listen to everything he’s ever created and put out lol. Now in my ‘after Channel Orange’ stage, I do this to every song that goes through my headphones. Frank Ocean literally helped me find a part of myself that I never knew I had (he put the lens on me lol) and I am forever grateful for him. And I am going to BAWL when I see him at Panorama on the 28th because of it. If I could only learn how to use this skill when it comes to creating music of my own. I just don’t know if that’s enough to differentiate me from every other singer/producer out. How could this one lil girl from MD possibly be talented enough to actually create music/art that worth anything? But that’s just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH

Garden Shed

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First off, yes I did illegally download Scum Fuck Flower Boy because I couldn’t wait until the 21st. I had to because I’m a huge fan of Tyler the Creator, not only of his artistry but him as a person as well. So, as I listened to this album and marinated on it, track 7 instantly caught my attention. In Garden Shed (ft. Estelle), Tyler talks about him being in the ‘garden shed’ and realizing that being gay wasn’t just a phase. He says in the song that he’s finally accepting it and feels like he doesn’t have to pretend anymore. This reminds me of my life in a way. As a child until about junior/senior year of high school, my mother controlled my life. I mean, don’t get me wrong, my childhood was still fun and everything, but I was very sheltered. She always used the excuse of my heart condition (I have a heart defect, VSD if you’re interested) for her reasoning of being overprotective. But later, as I got closer to going to college, I realized that through all those years, I wasn’t myself. She controlled the way I dressed, what my hair looked like, who I talked to, where I went, what I did, etc. She never really allowed me to be my own person…meaning I was her clone. Now that I’m in college, I found that I don’t really know who I am anymore. I know that I’m OBSESSED with music, I love art, and crystals and incense are my best friends but who am I really? I suppose that college is the time for me to discover myself but I don’t know how to go about it. It’s also affecting my career choices too because for a long time I was stuck in a major (Medical Technology) that my mom wanted me to do. I have now switched my major to Landscape Architecture (the closing thing to Architecture at Rutgers), but I’m even on the fence about that too. My first love and passion is music, singing and creating are where I feel the most like myself. I just have this voice in the back of my mind telling me that I’m not good at anything, especially music. I have an argument constantly going on in my head between my mom’s opinion (music isn’t a real career) and my brain (the only thing I care about is music). I naturally feel like these problems lead back to her, if she had just accepted my ‘talents’ and supported them, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation. Right now I feel like I’m just floating through life and going through the motions. How do I step out of this shadow behind my mother? How can I learn who I am and stop pretending like I know myself? The logical solution would be to channel all my energy into creating and singing, it’s just that I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to find my sound, I don’t know who I want to be, I don’t know what makes me different…but this is just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH

 

Love Galore

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So I’m sitting here listening to Love Galore by SZA and Travis Scott (Ctrl is the best shit EVER), and it’s really got me wondering…what really is love? I mean, I know you can love in so many ways. For example, there’s unconditional love, companionship love, etc. But what happens when that love that you thought was mutual fades away? That’s one of my biggest fears when it comes to relationships. I’m afraid if I get too attached, the person I’m with will somehow lose interest…and then I’ll be alone. I feel as though I’m afraid to love in general because everyone in my life has always left me. I guess that means I have abandonment issues somewhere. It could stem from my relationship with my father. When I was younger, I loved him so much but he was never around (later found out that was due to my mother but that’s a story for another day). And then a couple years later I found out that he had passed away due to a heart attack.  In a way, I thought that if I loved harder, he would stay around or want to be with me more. But, as soon as I realized that he wasn’t coming around, I just stopped caring (or at least pretended to). Then when he died, I felt really numb. Zero feelings on the outside. But deep down, I was hurt because I never had the opportunity to have that father daughter relationship. So, I think that that has bled into my relationship(s). I don’t even know how to get through this, where would I even begin? I get so paranoid about it sometimes that my anxiety drives me down this never ending spiral of negative outcomes. Plus, people change everyday and one of those changes could lead to them leaving me or us growing apart. Reassurance sometimes helps me but those aren’t necessary guarantees. This person could say “I love you” and then fall out of love with you and say “I just don’t love you anymore”. Maybe I should just love blindly and if it doesn’t work out, just trust that God has a better plan for me. But this is just my anxiety talking, right?

-AH